Love, Surgery, and the Spazz

We all have preconceived notions about what love is.  Those ideas come from many places like movies and what was modeled to us as children.  Then as we get older we go out into the world and start looking for what we believe to be our ideal.  For most of us we go through much trial and error, meeting person after person, until we meet “the one” and settle down. 

Cohabitation is difficult on it’s own but once you bring your ideas of right and wrong into it then sometimes it becomes impossible.  Then we start to fuss and fight about things like toothpaste tubes, laundry on the floor, finances, and kids…round and round and day after day.  Life is stressful on its own but then we add another layer with our expectations.

Since I have been home sitting around like a potted plant I have watched about 3 seasons worth of The Amazing Race.  I think every couple should have to go through a series of mental, physical, and life challenges together before they get married.  It brings out your true character and feelings petty quickly.  Tell the contestants that they will only be given a marriage license if they are in the top 3.  Then test the heck out of them till the chicks cry and the dudes start to yell.

When we are forming our ideals as young people we don’t know to look for the most important traits in a person.  Instead we look at the superficial and how they make us “feel”.  We don’t know how important things like work ethic, communication, compassion, and loyalty truly are.  We probably don’t even realize what they truly are when we are young.

Being closer to 40 now I have seen what life can do to couples.  Being part of the military community I have seen what life plus military demands can do to couples.  Under stress and duress is where you see people in their purest form.

I guess this is on my mind right now because of the experiences I am having in my own life pre and post surgery.  These are the times when it is most obvious who Robert and I truly are.  Even though pain, surgery, tragedy, and stress are horrible…I think everyone should have the opportunity to see their partner in this light.  It is amazing.

If Today Was Your Last Day

We all know that we will eventually die one day, but what if you knew when?

Over the past week at the 9/11 Memorial in NYC and in watching events unfold in Moore, Oklahoma I cannot help but let my mind wander to the morose.  No one ever dreams that one day their name will be etched on a memorial for the world to see.

We all get up every day and go through the motions of our routine.  Get up, showered, dressed, eat breakfast, and go on with the day step by plodding step.  No one ever thinks that the outfit that they put on that day will be the last thing they ever wear.  When a tragedy strikes you don’t even know that you are walking along a train track right into a rushing train.  Things happen for the last time and you don’t even realize it…from the mundane to the profound, we just let them happen without notice in one blurry rushed haze of a day.  Shower, brush teeth, kiss spouse, pack lunches, put kids on the bus, exercise, talk to a friend, lunch with a customer, grocery shop, call your parents, sing in the car, mow the lawn, make dinner, bath time, kiss the kids, read a story, watch TV, go to sleep…everyday over and over without ever really comprehending.  Then with one single quirk of time and fate it ends without warning, done. 

It is easy to look at a tragedy from the outside and decide with perspective that you are going to take more time to notice your life and the people in it.  Everyone comes to that point eventually, and then REALLY tries for a few days or weeks to be present and grateful in their lives…but then eventually we all just go back to walking on the track.

But what if…(I KNOW that it is VERY unlikely that this is going to happen so please don’t give me mini lectures…I KNOW ok!!)…but what if you knew your life would stop next Wednesday?  It is a thought I have had time and time again since I learned about the bubble.  I mean, all we really know for sure is that they are going to take out the bubble and the right ovary.  Everything during and after that is just a big question mark.  Anything could happen.  What if it did?  It is the strangest thing to think of a possibility that your life will end Wednesday.

I have been preparing just in case.  There are rational and responsible things to do like making sure my affairs are in order and then there are the things that are kind of goofy.  For example, I need to make sure that everyone has what they need for the day to day life for the next 20-50 years give or take.  Do they have enough toilet paper, juice boxes, granola bars? Will Rob remember that Tues is trash day or should I schedule a reminder on his calendar to nag him in my stead?  I have become painfully aware of every minute that I am spending and every word that I say.  It’s almost surreal if you think about it.  I am planning for the absolute worst because I honestly believe that if I am as prepared as possible then the worst won’t happen. 

Instead I will wake up after surgery and they will tell me it was all very quick, easy, and fine.  There will be no cancer and my body did not try to kill me for making it have surgery this time. (I had 2 C-sections and my body revolted both times and scared the hell out of Rob.)  

For once in my life I am wishing for anticlimactic.