Love, Surgery, and the Spazz

We all have preconceived notions about what love is.  Those ideas come from many places like movies and what was modeled to us as children.  Then as we get older we go out into the world and start looking for what we believe to be our ideal.  For most of us we go through much trial and error, meeting person after person, until we meet “the one” and settle down. 

Cohabitation is difficult on it’s own but once you bring your ideas of right and wrong into it then sometimes it becomes impossible.  Then we start to fuss and fight about things like toothpaste tubes, laundry on the floor, finances, and kids…round and round and day after day.  Life is stressful on its own but then we add another layer with our expectations.

Since I have been home sitting around like a potted plant I have watched about 3 seasons worth of The Amazing Race.  I think every couple should have to go through a series of mental, physical, and life challenges together before they get married.  It brings out your true character and feelings petty quickly.  Tell the contestants that they will only be given a marriage license if they are in the top 3.  Then test the heck out of them till the chicks cry and the dudes start to yell.

When we are forming our ideals as young people we don’t know to look for the most important traits in a person.  Instead we look at the superficial and how they make us “feel”.  We don’t know how important things like work ethic, communication, compassion, and loyalty truly are.  We probably don’t even realize what they truly are when we are young.

Being closer to 40 now I have seen what life can do to couples.  Being part of the military community I have seen what life plus military demands can do to couples.  Under stress and duress is where you see people in their purest form.

I guess this is on my mind right now because of the experiences I am having in my own life pre and post surgery.  These are the times when it is most obvious who Robert and I truly are.  Even though pain, surgery, tragedy, and stress are horrible…I think everyone should have the opportunity to see their partner in this light.  It is amazing.

If Today Was Your Last Day

We all know that we will eventually die one day, but what if you knew when?

Over the past week at the 9/11 Memorial in NYC and in watching events unfold in Moore, Oklahoma I cannot help but let my mind wander to the morose.  No one ever dreams that one day their name will be etched on a memorial for the world to see.

We all get up every day and go through the motions of our routine.  Get up, showered, dressed, eat breakfast, and go on with the day step by plodding step.  No one ever thinks that the outfit that they put on that day will be the last thing they ever wear.  When a tragedy strikes you don’t even know that you are walking along a train track right into a rushing train.  Things happen for the last time and you don’t even realize it…from the mundane to the profound, we just let them happen without notice in one blurry rushed haze of a day.  Shower, brush teeth, kiss spouse, pack lunches, put kids on the bus, exercise, talk to a friend, lunch with a customer, grocery shop, call your parents, sing in the car, mow the lawn, make dinner, bath time, kiss the kids, read a story, watch TV, go to sleep…everyday over and over without ever really comprehending.  Then with one single quirk of time and fate it ends without warning, done. 

It is easy to look at a tragedy from the outside and decide with perspective that you are going to take more time to notice your life and the people in it.  Everyone comes to that point eventually, and then REALLY tries for a few days or weeks to be present and grateful in their lives…but then eventually we all just go back to walking on the track.

But what if…(I KNOW that it is VERY unlikely that this is going to happen so please don’t give me mini lectures…I KNOW ok!!)…but what if you knew your life would stop next Wednesday?  It is a thought I have had time and time again since I learned about the bubble.  I mean, all we really know for sure is that they are going to take out the bubble and the right ovary.  Everything during and after that is just a big question mark.  Anything could happen.  What if it did?  It is the strangest thing to think of a possibility that your life will end Wednesday.

I have been preparing just in case.  There are rational and responsible things to do like making sure my affairs are in order and then there are the things that are kind of goofy.  For example, I need to make sure that everyone has what they need for the day to day life for the next 20-50 years give or take.  Do they have enough toilet paper, juice boxes, granola bars? Will Rob remember that Tues is trash day or should I schedule a reminder on his calendar to nag him in my stead?  I have become painfully aware of every minute that I am spending and every word that I say.  It’s almost surreal if you think about it.  I am planning for the absolute worst because I honestly believe that if I am as prepared as possible then the worst won’t happen. 

Instead I will wake up after surgery and they will tell me it was all very quick, easy, and fine.  There will be no cancer and my body did not try to kill me for making it have surgery this time. (I had 2 C-sections and my body revolted both times and scared the hell out of Rob.)  

For once in my life I am wishing for anticlimactic. 

Introducing The Bubble

With the advent of Facebook it has become so very easy to keep up and report in to friends and family all over the world with the daily and mundane.  It gives me a chance the share and blurt out whatever it is that I deem appropriate at the second.  I LOVE it!  But as a means of serious broadcasting when something major or huge comes along…I’m not sure it will suffice.  This is why I am coming back around to my blog.  This is my super secret space to say whatever is on my mind however I’d like without fear of judgment.  You don’t have to be here and if you don’t like what I’m thinking then mind your own business and go read a blog about puppies or ponies or something.  This is my place to data dump and you are invited to watch as I unravel.  You are NOT however invited to judge me.  So if you are judgy, go fish.

I have something seriously H-U-G-E going on right now and I really want to talk about it in my own way uncensored, unjudged, and only to those who really give a crap.  I don’t think that the random former elementary school friend or customer I met once will want blow by blow updates about what is going on in my body and in my head right now. So here we are!

Ok so I promised huge, here it is.  I have a HUGE cyst called a mucinous cystadenoma growing in my abdomen.  And when I say huge I am not kidding.  It has completely filled my abdominal cavity stem to stern and all in between.  This thing is massive people!  I have started to explain it to the kids and we affectionately call it “the bubble”.  It makes the thing sound way more fun than it actually is.  Because I am morbid and I know you are too I asked the Doc to print me a picture of the MRI because it is seriously hard to explain to people how big of a bubble we are talking about.  So here it is:

Scentsy - My Story

Scentsy has asked military spouses to write articles about their experience as a consultant. They are planing on doing a PR campaign with Military Spouses Magazine and want to feature some of us. They will be selecting contributors based on the entries provided.

This is my submission:

As the wife of a Marine, my life is not my own. I live where I am told to live, move when I am told to move, and parent our 4 & 1 year olds alone more often than I’d like. As a mother and military wife you become quickly accustomed to change and an all-encompassing life of “have to’”. You do what you have to do to maintain consistency for your children and keep the family moving forward. Often times you are the family’s greatest asset because you are “the glue” and that becomes your identity for as long as you are living the military lifestyle.

This has been my life for the past several years. My husband has been to Iraq 3 times and provided humanitarian aid to victims of both hurricane Katrina and the Haitian earthquake. He has been away more often on training missions and deployments than he has been home. We have moved 8 times. Our son was born in CA and our daughter was born in Japan. Our life is amazing and I LOVE every minute of it. We are not at all extraordinary by military standards. We are a typical military family doing what we do because we love our Marine, our country, and each other.

Before I found Scentsy this was my life. I was a Mother and a military wife and I lived a life of service to my family. It is all I ever wanted and I was very happy. What I began to realize was that I did not do anything in my day that was just for me. I found accomplishment in maintaining the day-to-day life and in making sure my family received all they needed to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, that is a very meaningful life purpose, it just never offered me a niche in life that was just mine alone.

P90X - Day 2 - Plyometrics

Sixty minutes of hard core cardio, hopping around like crazy people, we almost made it through the whole thing but mostly I pooped out at the end. Then afterwards we drank the yummy recovery drink shake thingie with banana...that was pretty yum.

Plyometrics was pretty tough but definitely way more fun then Day 1. Tomorrow is more arms and stuff...

It is now midnight and I still have dishes to do before I drag my butt upstairs to the shower. Nite all!

P90X Day 1 - The Good and the Ugly

OK so the good news is, I got new shoes! That is the ONLY upside on P90X Day 1, cute new kicks. You need cross trainers and not just normal regular shoes in order to torture yourself in unspeakable ways. My loving husband bought them for me and so at least in the horrendous "before" pics my feet look good.

To start, we spent a half million dollars on healthy food and packed the fridge.

We ate what felt like a ton of food but still seemed to be hungry. Breakfast consisted of SIX egg whites in an omelet with tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions. We also ate a cup of cottage cheese and fresh squeezed orange juice.

We had homemade veggie soup and chicken salad for lunch and swordfish, asparagus, and rice for dinner. The snack for the day was 30 pistachios. Thirty sounds like a lot, but it is so not. We drank a lot of water , Crystal Light, and black coffee with Splenda.

Overall we had a lot of great food to eat. I just need to retrain my Weight Watcher brain that all this food is actually fuel that I MUST eat in order to have maximum performance in this new style of exercise.

By 8:30 pm we finally got ourselves ready to start the first workout. This was after we took the fantastic and charming "before" pictures. I am very hesitant to share them because we look very much in need a of a program such as this. I am mortified that I gained so much weight back already. But this is a different day and a different type of training and I am so open to the possibilities.

This program is VERY VERY hard. If you want a kick ass body, you will have to work VERY VERY hard for it! The most important thing, as with everything in life is, never ever ever give up, even if you cry, like I did.

Weight Loss and Gain

Before Rob got back from Haiti, 2 months ago, I was a mere 2 pounds away from my weight loss goal of 145. Since then I have lost track of my schedule. I have not made time for myself. I have started eating copious amounts of fattening and fatty foods. I have only gotten on my cardio machine twice! In light of this fact, I have weighed in this morning at 167.4 pounds.

I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. I've released personal control of myself to the whims of the weaker part of me. It kind of makes me sad.

In 2000, I lost 40 pounds and walked a marathon in Ireland. After that I moved, lost track of myself, my schedule, my weight and ballooned up again before I even realized it. I WILL NOT allow that to happen to me again. In the past year of weight loss and being a thinner me I had found my stride and I liked it there. I want to back and do it even better.

Today Rob and I start a new journey together. While he could not sleep a couple of weeks ago he purchased the P90X fitness plan from late night TV. he needed something for himself to help him PT while he is working at this new job. He bought it to help himself get back into shape and I suspect in his own way to help me too. He sees how I have been backsliding, though he would never say anything to me.

I plan to start writing and sharing in this adventure with you. It should be torturous hell but I think that is really what I need. We will have lovely phat photos to share with you. I will give you the "real" scoop on what it is like to P90X. I'm kind of freaked out because I can hardly do a push up and definitely not a pull up. I am super excited though because Rob and I are doing it together.

He spent the whole day cooking yesterday because we are going to follow the plan 100% to the max. In 90 days I am going to have muscles for the first time ever!

So please, follow along with me. Invite your friends...this could get interesting. Before pictures to follow.