Over the past week at the 9/11 Memorial in NYC and in
watching events unfold in Moore, Oklahoma I cannot help but let my mind wander
to the morose. No one ever dreams that
one day their name will be etched on a memorial for the world to see.
We all get up every day and go through the motions of our
routine. Get up, showered, dressed, eat
breakfast, and go on with the day step by plodding step. No one ever thinks that the outfit that they
put on that day will be the last thing they ever wear. When a tragedy strikes you don’t even know
that you are walking along a train track right into a rushing train. Things happen for the last time and you don’t
even realize it…from the mundane to the profound, we just let them happen
without notice in one blurry rushed haze of a day. Shower, brush teeth, kiss spouse, pack
lunches, put kids on the bus, exercise, talk to a friend, lunch with a customer,
grocery shop, call your parents, sing in the car, mow the lawn, make dinner,
bath time, kiss the kids, read a story, watch TV, go to sleep…everyday over and
over without ever really comprehending.
Then with one single quirk of time and fate it ends without warning,
done.
It is easy to look at a tragedy from the outside and decide
with perspective that you are going to take more time to notice your life and
the people in it. Everyone comes to that
point eventually, and then REALLY tries for a few days or weeks to be present
and grateful in their lives…but then eventually we all just go back to walking
on the track.
But what if…(I KNOW that it is VERY unlikely that this is
going to happen so please don’t give me mini lectures…I KNOW ok!!)…but what if
you knew your life would stop next Wednesday?
It is a thought I have had time and time again since I learned about the
bubble. I mean, all we really know for
sure is that they are going to take out the bubble and the right ovary. Everything during and after that is just a
big question mark. Anything could
happen. What if it did? It is the strangest thing to think of a
possibility that your life will end Wednesday.
I have been preparing just in case. There are rational and responsible things to
do like making sure my affairs are in order and then there are the things that
are kind of goofy. For example, I need
to make sure that everyone has what they need for the day to day life for the
next 20-50 years give or take. Do they
have enough toilet paper, juice boxes, granola bars? Will Rob remember that
Tues is trash day or should I schedule a reminder on his calendar to nag him in
my stead? I have become painfully aware
of every minute that I am spending and every word that I say. It’s almost surreal if you think about
it. I am planning for the absolute worst
because I honestly believe that if I am as prepared as possible then the worst
won’t happen.
Instead I will wake up after surgery and they will tell me
it was all very quick, easy, and fine.
There will be no cancer and my body did not try to kill me for making it
have surgery this time. (I had 2 C-sections and my body revolted both times and
scared the hell out of Rob.)
For once in
my life I am wishing for anticlimactic.
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