I was in a crabby mood last week. I was feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and depressed. Rob was working a crazy schedule; getting up at 3 a.m., not coming home for lunch, and getting home for dinner about 6 p.m. each day. The schedule was not as much of an inconvenience as it was a change from the norm. I like change, I do, it just takes me a little to get used to because I have to readjust my routines and overanalyze it to death.
I was tired because I was up with the baby twice a night and then up to say goodbye to Rob. Not to mention the buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. I became overwhelmed and depressed when I realized that the hours between 3 a.m. and 6 p.m. were foreshadowing the many years of my life to come. As a military spouse I will end up being a single parent almost more often than not. I was a single mom for 15 hours a day and only 60 hours of the week and I really felt like I was sucking at it. I don't know what the right things to do are. Do I play with them enough? Do I yell too much? Am I causing permanent damage in any way? Is my personal crisis of self causing me to be selfish and unaware of their needs? And my biggest fear, am I doing and saying things that will cause these tiny people to grow up and be like me?
I was overwhelmed, better said, I overwhelmed myself. I have harsh and unrealistic expectations of myself. I somehow believe that "if I were a good mother" I'd: have a clean house all the time, have the laundry done, be showered and well dressed every day, spend time singing songs and doing art projects to nurturing my children's creativity, be happy and relaxed, feed them nutritious foods so they get all the food groups (how many are there now anyway?), venture out into the world off base in actual Japan and see what there is to see like zoos, fish, beaches, and pineapples. I do not do all of those things, not on a daily basis and some not even on a weekly basis. But really Michelle…who the hell does??? My Mom never did, no one's sane Mom that I've ever heard of did, and none of my Mom friends do…so why do I hold myself to that standard? It is unrealistic and completely ridiculous. Because of some idealistic belief I beat myself up? Why and what for?
We were back on our normal schedule on Fri. When Rob popped in for a pre-lunch visit (he needed to get something) he asked, "So are you feeling better today? You were kind of snippy last night." To which, in typical female fashion I responded with flames spewing from the top of my head, "I WAS NOT SNIPPY, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, AND YO MAMA (for good measure)." My husband, the saint, replied "What can I do to help you?" To which I started crying and scared him to death. I tried to explain to him that he had done nothing wrong and that I did not need help. I told him, "I am just realizing my place in this life and am trying to adjust." I don't know if that phrase even makes sense but it sort of hurt his feelings. We talked a little more, he got unhurt, and I continued to ponder my position.
After he got home from work I escaped to the library for a few minutes and started looking for a book that would tell me what my problem was. I was actually looking for that Brooke Shields book about postpartum depression. I was beginning to hope that PPD was my problem then I could take pills and my life would be perfect. Easy peasy, because the loony pills worked so well for me in my AZ life….anyway I digress, that is another story. I did not find Brooke but found Oprah and Dr. Laura (insert Jessie's eye roll here) instead. I believe it was divine intervention and the power of the universe reaching out to me to say Stop Whining, Start Living which happens to be the title of the Dr. Laura Schlessinger book that I checked out. I also found a little collection of writings by Oprah called "What I Know For Sure." I started reading both books and they are both touching on so many of the same things that it is amazing. So far they talk about personal beliefs, life purpose, hurt feelings, and identifying yourself.
These are all of the things that I want to explore about myself and change. I have been living for a very long time looking backwards and asking why instead of looking back to see what I should have learned from those experiences. These books have started me thinking and given me great jumping off points for my writing. I am very optimistic.
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