I spent two hours yesterday fighting with my son trying to get him to lie down and take a nap. He fought me tooth and nail because he just wanted to play. I fought him because if he does not sleep he is a whiney pain in my ass. He finally did go to sleep for about an hour but I guess he missed the official nap window because he was still a whiney pain in the ass for the rest of the evening. Then, even though he was tired he still fought going to sleep for the evening for at least a good hour. Why do they fight it? I mean when does sleep change from being some dreaded horrible punishment to a blissful yearning? Dare I even say vacation?
I would give anything to sleep. As I am writing now it is 1:45 a.m. and I have just finished feeding my mini female boss. That is a whole other sleep story to tell. I swear she just taunts me. Here’s how that goes down: she squeaks, I wake, go pee, silently curse my sleeping husband, shuffle across the hall, change her diaper, quickly shuffle down the hall so thing #2 does not cry and wake thing #1, warm a bottle, get situated with the Boppy pillow, start feeding her, she drinks a mere 2 ounces, and then slips into a mini coma with her eyes rolled back and tiny mouth agape. I sit there with a nearly full bottle staring incredulously at her wondering how long it would take for the MPs (military police) to find me if I just got in my van right now and started driving. I shuffle back down the hall with the sleeping babe in my arms all the while knowing that this island is so small that they would hunt me down and drag me back within 2 hours, because that is how far I can drive in either direction before I hit ocean. I wearily crawl back into bed next to my still sleeping, never stirring husband, close my eyes, and silently curse him some more. This usually happens twice a night if I’m lucky.
The second wakening occurs sometime right before 6:30 a.m. when my dear husband’s alarm clock goes off. That’s a joy. It starts beeping at 6:30 and he hits the snooze button for an hour before he actually stops sleeping and gets out of bed. In the meantime my son will wake up for the day and crawl into my bed and lay on my head with his stinky butt in my face. So my day starts off with a buzzing in my ears and suffocation. I used to be a morning person, now I’m barely a person.
The two things I want more than anything, call these selfish Mommy dreams if you must, sleep and sex. I want sleep to recharge, relax, and have some peace. I want sex to connect with my husband and to feel better about myself. Maybe I don’t want either and what I am really yearning for is a more intense relationship with my bed. My bed is so snuggly and warm. It does not want me to change its diaper or make it food. It just sits there waiting to hold me….hmmm…but I digress.
My sweet husband gives me Sunday mornings off so that I can sleep and he can have one on one time with the kids. Even when I am allowed to sleep I can’t even do that like a normal person. I need to have the hallway door closed, the bedroom door closed, baby monitor turned off, and earplugs in before I can fall asleep. Otherwise I lay there wondering why they are screaming, if they've had their diapers changed, if they've eaten, and what is that banging? I swear once you give birth you get instant PTSD with the full on lack of sleep, hyper vigilance, mood swings, and nervous twitch. My husband has been deployed to Iraq three times yet he can fall asleep instantly, anytime, anywhere...how is that fair? Earlier this week he did just that in the middle of a work day afternoon.
For some reason he came home for a 2 hour lunch break. I made him his lunch, he ate it, set the plate on the sofa, and then slipped into a mini coma with his eyes rolled back and mouth agape. What the hell? The man slept for a HOUR smack dab in the middle of the chaos that is our living room. Then on cue, without the benefit of an alarm clock buzzing buzzing buzzing, he popped right up, kissed me goodbye and went back to work. I am still baffled.
I want to sleep more than anything and that is the reason why most days I wear my nightgown all day long. I am exactly like an eager rookie begging to get into the big game…put me in coach, I’m ready…see my uniform…don’t mind the puke and peanut butter stains…I can do it coach, let me prove I can crawl in there and sleep like a champ…I know I can do it!! I do not wear my nightgown all day because I am too fat and can’t fit into my clothes anymore. It is not because I haven’t been able to figure out how to take a shower without help yet. It is a professional choice that I have made in order to be ready for when I get called up to the big show, that’s all. Perhaps though, my ensemble of late is what is keeping me from my second fond desire, sex. Taking an objective look at myself I can see why my husband would not be all enthused to get with this.
Ok, life plan #1: Tomorrow I will wake up, take a shower, put on actual clothes, slip into a mini coma (no wait I mean), and take my children outside where the sun shines and the wind blows. Fresh air & sunlight, that’s good for kids right?
Oh, I remember this well....You know, my mom used to say little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. I totally thought she was full of shit - HONESTLY and totally clueless. I just knew that if I could sleep and sleep and sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore that everything would be fine. I thought that then I would be ready to cope with the diapers, the crying, the throwing up, the tantrums, the spasmodic croup, etc...but somehow I think the lack of sleep lets us blame the lack of sleep on our inability to cope with the chaos of motherhood at times. That feeling of responsibility knowing that those little critters are dependent on you is staggering. I always wondered who made ME so smart that I knew how to handle this!! I felt inadequate, but I knew I loved those little guys more than anything else on earth. They are a gift...not easy, but a gift nevertheless!!!
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